We got that much dreaded phone call today that I have heard others talk about. It was our agency, calling to let us know that Samuel's grandmother has removed him from the adoption program. Apparently, the accident was her fault, so she feels guilty and is unable emotionally to give him up. She wants to oversee his "recovery." So, just like that, he is gone.
I'm not really sure how to describe everything that I'm feeling. I go from peaceful one minute to sad the next. Content with it all one minute and my heart aches the next. I had held some of my heart back based on the advice from others, but I'm finding that it doesn't matter much. It still hurts. I ache for Samuel, for what could have been for his little life. He will be in our hearts forever.
I know that God has a plan in all of this, and when I allow myself to really think about it, my thoughts are, "why should I be exempt from pain in this life?" I see other families who have lost three referrals, families much further down the process than me, and I think "why NOT me?" Yet, at the same time, I can't help but think that this process of adoption can be so cruel.
My heart is calmed by the words to a song I have heard in church since I was a young girl:
God is too wise to be mistaken;
God is too good to be unkind.
So when you don't understand,
When you can't see His plan,
When you can't trace His hand,
Trust His heart.
9 comments:
I love you Darbi. I know this must be really hard for you... I can't even imagine. But it just proves to me even more that God has a specific plan that He is following and He must have the PERFECT child picked out for you and Blu. You are going to be a wonderful mother to a little Liberian child someday! I'm still praying for you.
Jessica
So sorry my dear friend. I am praying for you all!
Love ya,
Katy
Oh, sweet girl, we are praying for you. I just ran and ran this morning with you all on my heart. Remember that hurting and trusting are not necessarily in opposition to each other. Jesus wept, but He still trusted "the plan"! I love that song you posted.
Love you!!!
Brandi
I am so sorry too, I will be praying for you guys and Samuel.
Darbi and Blu,
I'm sorry to read about your news. I hope that somehow this works out for you and Samuel. You and your child will find each other and it will be beautiful. In the meantime, you are in my prayers.
Sharon
I need your address! Can you email me?
Brandi
I'm so, so sorry. From the outside looking in, I know that God has used Samuel to open your heart - adoption seems to stretch the heart so far it feels like it's going to tear sometimes. I'm sure yours feels about to tear - I'm praying that God fills that ache with His hope and peace.
Dear Blu and Darbi,
CeCe sent me your blog a little while back and I have been checking in on you two! A lot has happened since our paths crossed at Parkway Baptist! My, you have two gorgeous children! I'm not sure that you guys know about our little Anna, she is almost 3 now. Boy, do we know the painful, yet joyous at the same time, journey to adoption, having adopted both of our angels. We also have suffered through 'disrupted adoption' plans, twice! There are no words to tell you that I know EXACTLY how you feel!! It's amazing how you love and give your heart to a child that is not yet quite your 'own'! It's nearly impossible to hold back a piece of yourself! Adoption is something so incredible, beyond our comprehension.......we see a glimse of how God must feel, aching to adopt all of us into His family!
I will be praying for both your hearts to heal and for you to continue to trust in the plan that God has, as He takes you on this incredible journey. If He should have you continue to pursue adoption, trust that He is working it to your good! Our prayer for you would be that as you walk this path, you will feel God's presence and comfort in a real and mighty way! Grieve this loss!! It is very, very real!! To you and to the Heavenly Father!
Love in Christ!!
bdayfam4@verizon.net
I have been praying for your mommy heart to be comforted and for God to show you his perfect plan. Missy (aoh yahoo group)
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