I haven't actually written a blog in awhile - I wrote all the time in Zambia as a way of release...sharing stories and my heart. I've just posted pics and basics of family life since we got back to America. Something happened on Good Friday, though, that I want to remember forever. I'm not writing this to make myself look good or to really say anything about me at all. It is a blog more about obedience, about God working in ways I don't understand, and in me choosing to be part of His work or not.
Disclaimer: I'm really not much of a people person. (Everyone reading this who has seen me sit by myself sporting events is nodding their heads...) On all my personality tests, I am a borderline extrovert/introvert...meaning I can float between the two, depending on the situation. I am task-oriented, not people-oriented. If I love you, I love you big. If you're in my way when I have a task to accomplish, please move out of my way (said with a smile, of course.) ;) If you know me, you're laughing, because you know this to be true. So I'm not really the type to chat with someone in a grocery store line. I have things to buy, places to be, we'll talk later. (At a time of my choosing, when it's convenient for me!). I jest, but I really don't.
Another disclaimer: I don't really like kids. Don't come at me, we started an orphanage in Africa, so I'm not a horrible person! ;) But really, you can have them until they're in 7th grade, then I'll be happy to teach Bible studies, talk about crushes, listen to how unfair their parents are, etc. With the exception of a handful of kids, I just kinda grimace when anyone below the age of 12 comes near me. ;)
That being said, on Good Friday, I had to run to Dollar General (for the SECOND time in 30 minutes..) to pick up more baking supplies. I grabbed them quickly and was in the checkout line behind a mom who clearly had her hands full. She had an 8 year old girl, 4 year old boy, and 2 year old boy. She sent the 8 year old to grab a drink, the 8 year old couldn't figure out what kind, the mom knocked over the 4 year old who started crying, and she looked at me helplessly and told me to go ahead. I laughed and told her that I would wait, that I had 3 kids who were once that age and were now teenagers and that I really did miss it sometimes, even though I remember how hard it was. She then mentioned that they still had to walk back to the hotel after shopping. (The nearest hotel was Flagship on the lake - a pretty decent walk with 3 kids/stroller). At that point, the sweet 8 year old starting talking to me. She told me she'd be 9 on June 9th and all about the puppies that had just been born at the hotel. I was immediately drawn to this girl and we started chatting away. She told me all about the book she had left in her desk at school and how she was so sad because she had just gotten it from the book fair. I told her not to worry - she'd be back at school on Tuesday to get it, and she looked down and said, "I'm not going back to that school." Her mom looked at me and mumbled something about trying to figure out what to do about her schooling. She said they were leaving the next day - it was very clear that their situation was not good and that their future plans were up in the air.
So it's finally time for her to check out and at this point there were about 6 people behind me in line. The cashier was out of patience and rang up the lady quickly. Through it all, the two littles ones were screaming, throwing cookies, had to go to the bathroom, etc. Their bill was finally totaled, and the mom started rummaging through the grocery bags. She put back some plastic bowls and a box of sausage biscuits and said, "Now what does it come to?" IMMEDIATELY, as clear as day, I felt God speak to my heart, "Pay for her groceries." My eyes got really big and I thought of all the people in line behind me. I completely froze. I could not step up there and do it. I took out my debit card but just held it...I couldn't do it! I worried that everyone would either think I was a goody two shoes, or that I was a sucker. I just stood there while the mom constantly looked back at all of us and apologized.
Once she had taken some items out and was given the new total, she asked the cashier to add a package of cigarettes to her order. I literally told God in my head, "See! That's why I didn't do it...because she's just buying cigarettes when she could be buying stuff for her kids!" (Literal crickets from God at this point...just silence...) Her new total was $43, and she pulls cash and cards out of her pockets. She gives the cashier $4 in cash (still constantly apologizing to everyone in line) and then says she'd like to put the rest on 2 cards. One card had $25. So with the $29, she was down to $14. It turns out, her last card only had $3 on it, so she still had $11 left to pay. At this point, God speaks to my heart, "Pay the $11 for her." I opened my wallet and saw that I had a $10 bill and a $1 bill. I took it out but still just stood there, frozen. Why was this so hard?!
She asked the cashier if she could remove a few more things, and the cashier huffs and tells her to wait a minute and goes to the back of the store. We all stand there awkwardly. I realize I am wearing a t-shirt I never wear that says "Love Like Jesus." I'm wearing the shirt, but I'm refusing to do what He is asking of me. I wonder if anyone else will step in. I'm literally shaking...why is this so hard?!
The cashier comes back with another cashier who says he'll help the next person in line. I hesitate and finally walk over to him and start putting my groceries on the counter. I hear the lady cashier say, "Ma'am, you have already started paying, so I can't start putting things back now." I quickly walk over and almost throw the $11 at the lady, saying, "Here, take this. It's $11, right? It'll cover it." She is in shock and the cashier pretty much rolls her eyes at me, and I can feel the eyes of everyone behind me on me. (Maybe not...but it sure did feel like it!). So my heart is pounding but I was proud of myself for obeying, and I go back to pay for my groceries. And out of nowhere I feel God say, "Get cash back and give her more money." I was literally like, "Seriously????"
Ya'll, I do not give people money. I'm cynical about what people will do with the money I give them, so I pretty much give on my own terms, plus I have some definite compassion fatigue from living in a 3rd world country for 10 years. I do not give people money. But God was speaking so clearly, and I felt in my heart that He was doing something I didn't understand, and it had to do with the 8 year old girl. I got the maximum cash back out ($40) and rushed out of the store after the lady. A man tried to stop me to tell me I had done a blessed thing, but I hurried past him because I didn't want to miss the woman. She was standing around the side of the store, loading up the stroller and bags for her walk to the hotel. I gave her the money and told her, "Take care of your babies. Mine were this age once. Take care of them and I hope your family has a blessed Easter." As I said this, I was trying not to cry because I couldn't stop looking at the 8 year old girl. She was watching me, and she understood exactly what was happening. She understood that they didn't have enough money and that someone was helping them. Her face and her eyes lit up, and she looked at me like I was her hero.
I have no idea what is going on in that family's life. I have no idea if a husband or boyfriend was back at the hotel, if there were drugs involved, or what else was going on. For the first time ever in a giving situation, I didn't care at all. All I cared about was that 8 year old girl who hopefully will always remember that God has not forgotten her...that her book may be left behind, that her school and her old life may be left behind, but that God will never leave her behind.
God asked me to do something, something really quite simple, and I was terrified. If I had not obeyed, He would have found other means to bless that family. He didn't need me. He just wanted my obedience. I wonder how many times I have missed out on that in the past, and He has used someone else because I haven't been willing to step up and do what He asked. It was Good Friday. He literally died on the cross for me, and He asked me to give $51 to someone in need. I hope that next time I'm ready to move a little quicker in obedience. And I hope that one day, that little 8 year old girl will obey Him as well.
