I am usually pretty talkative in Sunday School. Sunday School is my safe place. We hesitantly climbed the tiny stairs into that strangely decorated upstairs room 2 days after we stepped off the plane from Zambia. We were broken, we were weary, and we walked in and found friendship, solid teaching, and no pressure to talk about the heartbreak of the last year. We dreaded starting all over again, but of everything we have done, Sunday School has been the easiest. So yeah, I'm usually pretty talkative and open.
Yesterday, however, we talked about fasting, and Coach P asked two main questions. What is the purpose of fasting? and Why don't we fast? As I sat thinking about these questions, the year of 2017 entered my mind, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I am a huge processor. I process things before they happen, as they are happening, and after they happen. I am always thinking. But I had never really taken the time to process our year of 2017, the change that happened inside my heart, and what fasting had to do with it. Another question asked in Sunday School was, Why don't we talk about fasting? So this is me...talking about fasting.
Blu grew up attending a few different denominations and therefore had a little more experience with the "idea" (ahem...biblical discipline) of fasting. I grew up in a traditional Southern Baptist setting, where fasting is (still) not talked about much and not taught much. When Blu came to me at the end of 2016 and said that he felt like God was telling him we were going to end up back in the States, I told him he was wrong...God was definitely not telling him that. He smiled and told me that he was going to set aside one day a week to fast every week in 2017 for God's will for New Day, and for us. Oh man, he's serious, I remember thinking. I watched him fast every Wednesday for about 4 weeks, knowing I was supposed to be joining him in prayer and fasting. But I had only fasted once before for a good friend's healing, he didn't get healed, so I thought the whole thing was pretty pointless. (Don't judge. ;) Finally, mid-February, I told him that I would join him in fasting and praying on Wednesdays, but that I was going to pray and fast specifically for the future of our family. I knew at that point that there was no possible way that I could emotionally or physically walk away from New Day on my own.
I wish I could tell you that every week was glorious. Some weeks I heard God so clearly, felt His presence so closely. But a lot of Tuesdays, I went to bed dreading the next day. A lot of Thursdays, I woke up excited that I had 6 more days before I had to fast again. But I kept going, because I knew it was what He wanted me to do.
By the end of the year, in December, we knew that 2018 would be our last year at New Day. We knew without a doubt that God was calling us back to the States. And you know the rest of the story. But yesterday, when talking about fasting, it all really hit me of the change that happened in my heart in the year 2017. I went from a point of complete rebellion ("there's no way I could ever leave New Day") to somehow having the strength to walk away just 18 months later. Only God could have done that. And though I still don't understand it all, I know that in MY life, God changed my heart, caused me to rely completely on Him for something I knew I couldn't do, and I am grateful.
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